I’m so excited right now, I feel a little dizzy. I don’t even get this flushed reading my favorite Charlotte Stein books. It’s just… It’s just… Y’all, this year has sucked so fucking hard and today I get to break down my favorite BTS video of. all.time.
The second video I watched. The one that made me go “OH DAMN.”
Really, what I’m trying to say is:
(ICYMI: I broke down Burn The Stage Episode 5 on twitter.) (EDIT: I purge tweets after three months so these are long gone.)
And so, without further adieu…
If I ever make my own video game, this is how it’s going to start.
(and I will replay the beginning over and over for that dimple…)
There is a reason RM spent so long as my “secondary bias.” (Back when I still thought I had a bias.)
(There was also a reason RM never made it to number one.)
As a reminder, when not performing Jungkook looks like:
Scared bunny, impossibly adorable.
And then he hits the stage and:
It’s just… hot damn.
I need… something. I don’t know if it’s a fan, ice, or an adult. But there is something I need and it’s…
…not fucking Jimin throwing his papers, classes, and badge. Why on earth did he think it was that?
Wait… can we go back to the throwing papers? I miss the throwing papers. Because, as it turns out, what I don’t need is the crotch grab body roll from the entire group.
Also, side note. This song has my fave choreography. I could watch it over and over (and have) just to focus on different members as they dance. Suga, for example. Suga has an amazing performance in this video.
But it’s fast and it’s furious so many of the times I pause look like this:
Which is not what I was going for.
Okay, my favorite parts of this screengrab are in order below:
- Suga’s expression
- Suga’s hair
- V’s hair
- Jimin’s hair
- Jimin’s expression
- Whatever Jungkook is doing
- Jin’s tie
- and finally… RM
Reminder: Suga thinks he’s not “the best dancer”
But I dare anyone to watch this video and not take joy in the way he moves.
And the joy he’s sharing via his facial expressions.
(Also, what the actual fuck, are Jimin and Jungkook literal sirens? I just crashed my ship into a rocky shore, so I believe they just might be.)
(blurry) sex demon Jimin. I honestly blame his blonde hair in DNA for why he didn’t initially rank higher on my (short-lived) bias tracker.
Not even going to lie, here. This sequence has been watched by me more often than anything else BTS. J-Hope made it from three to two because of this sequence.
He is just so honestly happy and joyous at all times. He’s you’re hope, you’re his hope, he’s J-Hope.
Literally full of hope.
Even as Suga comes running in to push him out of the way. And here is where I realize the fault in having watched some of these videos before. I wish I could tell you how I felt here the first time. How it felt to listen to Suga spitting fire in a voice full of gravel. But I can’t remember.
There’s just me appreciating Suga. Love the pale blonde hair. And his hands? His hands slay me.
Literal life-ruining art.
Just… just leave me right here.
I mean, I’ll miss Harry Potter V, but…
Oh. You mean you want to see Harry Potter V?
I mean, if you want to leave Suga behind I guess that’s okay.
Now, the first time my daughter saw this, she said: “IS THAT HARRY POTTER?”
I mean, she’s obviously wrong. Clearly, he’s Angus.
But while she can sing AC/DC songs, she doesn’t have the imagery of Angus in a schoolboy outfit working the stage. Poor, deprived child. So she calls V Harry Potter here.
(Side note, I would kill for an all Korean Harry Potter remake)
Oh my god. His jaw.
(Really, every time I see V I’m struck dumb by how fucking pretty he is. Alien angel smoosh baby confirmed.)
Pretty boys playing with their hair. My one weakness…
(I know. I KNOW. I have so many weaknesses it’s almost a strength. Just let me have this moment of pretending there’s only one color of kryptonite I’m vulnerable to.)
This is where my daughter says “SO CUTE!”
(She has a serious Jin bias.)
(and V looks shocked. Look at that face.)
Speaking of shocked…
I once said “I think he’s startled by how handsome he is” and now my daughter repeats it. For the rest of the video…
Sometimes being witty does not pay off.
Is blurry, but I’m weak to happy Jin. (Well, happy BTS.)
This is where my daughter asks if he just said burrito. And where I usually start to want Mexican food.
If Korea weaponized BTS…
…yeah, I know.
Let’s just all pray they never do, okay?
WARNING: DANCE SEQUENCE.
V taking the fuckboy mantle.
(And RM’s face during every dance sequence…)
I can confirm that the first time I watched this, I was at work. And when they kicked out, I jumped in my chair and almost tumbled over backward.
Full on ass over teakettle.
But let’s not wait here (because I wasn’t able to get any good screengrabs) and instead grab one semi-decent shot before we move onto RM’s bit.
I know, I’m pumped too.
Oh, I forgot there was more dancing here.
With J-Hope and Jimin up front.
Because they needed more love.
And now, finally, it’s RM o’clock.
Dimples! My one–
You know what, why even bother pretending? I have a serious weakness for cute people.
Namely that I think all people are cute.
I know, RM. It’s a REAL problem.
(Also, sex kitten V in the corner there…)
Oh god, help me. Now he’s being serious. This is how he spent so long at number three with that haircut.
Also, Jimin smiling and Jin doing… I don’t know, but I’m here for it.
SURPRISE! IT’S SUGA.
More seriously serious.
Is that his tongue.
Lord. Have Mercy.
(I should point out I’m not religious… so all my pseudo-prayers are largely performative.)
And serious V.
But it’s okay. Because as long as we make it through this aegyo, we’re through RM’s solo.
I honestly don’t even feel as seduced by lighting in porn as I do by the lighting in BTS videos.
V is that guy you always forget about until he’s being all fuckhot right in your face.
And, like, no inuendo there.
Just literal “holy shit, I forgot how fucking hot he was for a minute.”
I largely missed Jin’s solo, but the lighting was amazing.
GD muscle pig.
Oh, a semi-decent screengrab.
More epic lighting with Jin shooting Jungkook a look before we move onto…
The final dance sequence.
And you think you’re safe.
But you were wrong because BAM! Jimin losening his tie before he and Jungkook trade solos:
We transition to another location for the final dance sequence…
Getting one last shot of Suga.
(except I lied, there was another…)
Before they turn around and we fade to black.
And, I mean, I already miss it. Don’t you?
Dope by BTS
Released: June 19, 2015
Album: The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Part 1
Notes: amg amg amg
Watched Status: Previously watched
Bias: Suga. No wait, V. No wait! Jimin. No!! Jungkook. Wait! RM. HOLD ON! J-Hope.
Reason: Because of the look my daughter just gave me…
Favorite video to date: Dope
Join me next time when I (was going to) break down I NEED U (Japanese Version.)
Which, fingers crossed, won’t kill me.
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