When I was pregnant with my daughter I would joke that I wanted her to grow up to become an evil scientist. Now that she’s four, I’m thinking this is not outside the realm of possibility. These are the tales of how I’m emotionally stunting my daughter. Criminal attorneys of the future, you should use these in her defense.

The letter from Santa:

Gen is four, meaning she’s kind of a little shit. She yells, demands, pokes at our cats, and will not go to bed. How do I combat this?

I wrote her a fictional letter from Santa telling her she’s on the naughty list:

Dearest Genevieve,

Normally I do not do this, but your parents are good friends of mine, so I feel the need to act out on their behalf. Genevieve … Genevieve … I am afraid that you are on the naughty list. And as someone on the naughty list, you will not be getting any toys for Christmas.

Do not fret, dear one. There is still time to make it back onto the nice list. But you have to do the following things:

Stop demanding: Instead of demanding something, ask nicely. Say please when you ask, and thank you if someone is able to help you.

Stop yelling: Please use your inside voice, there’s no need to shout. Thank you.

Stop poking the cats: Kitties are our friends. They do not like or deserve you poking at them or trying to scare them. If you continue to torment the cats, people will come and take them away from your mommy and daddy and you will not be able to get anymore.

Go to bed: Once you’ve been put to bed for the night, you have to stay there and get some rest. Unless you have to go potty, of course.

Genevieve, you still have a chance, but there isn’t much time. Work hard on the things I’ve listed and you’re sure to make the nice list.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus

This can only end well, right?