So as you know, I started this feature at the end of 2017 and I set up a schedule for myself to make it through all the BTS videos. It would be no problem to post one a week, I thought, because even if I went on vacation I could pre-load a bunch of breakdowns.
Even though my in-laws were both terminally ill, I could just pre-load a bunch of videos. I just had to make it through Christmas and I’d get everything wrapped up and…
Then my mother-in-law declined. Rapidly. In eight days she went from baseline to gone. And then my father-in-law declined. He’s been given weeks. A week. Days. Who knows.
All I can tell you is that he looks just like my grandfather did when he was dying from cancer and it’s a total mind fuck.
But I still got these posted on time. Sure, I was drunk when I wrote most of them and occasionally they were done on Thursday or Friday nights and I didn’t proof them and they’re probably not up to the standard I originally intended, but they’re here. They’re real. And they showcase not only the state I’m currently in but also how important music is. The escapism that it provides. The one shining moment of something other than the bleak nothing that is my seven-year-old suffering from major depression and my husband…
But I’m seriously off-topic now. So let’s bring on the clowns.
Previously on Fangirl Follow Along we watched the prime version of Boy in Luv (Japanese version with dancing and less domestic abuse) and today we have…
I feel like I should have a siren or something here…
ah, big hit logo. Did you know: I take a new screencap of this every time even though I could use the same one over and over if I just cut out the time stamp…
Also, this is the first time it hasn’t filled me with instant joy and hope. I was concerned I couldn’t feel joy until…
RM clicked on his desk lamp while wearing a black basketball jersey with his white hair in a kind of pompadour fashion and I’m just… I’m here for it.
Eventually, I’ll write a post on how sexualized music videos are and the ways in which the target audience impacts how overt that sexualization is.
Because if you think for one hot second that RM clicking on a light isn’t supposed to make women think about RM turning on a light in their bedroom, you’re dead wrong.
OH NO! my precious RM is a criminal, conman, grifter, bank robber.
Listen, you see paper and think lyrics. I see disorganized desk and flipping of pages and think “planning heist.”
HANDS! My one weakness.
(Yeah, I know… I snorted when I typed it.)
I’m just going to need these ten seconds to replay in a loop.
Maybe longer if…
…is that a giant bottle of lotion in the foreground? And why is RM in a cage?
OH FUCK MY LIFE IT CUT TO KOOKIE ALONE PLAYING PIANO.
*awkward lighting induced boner*
I am under attack. I have no chance to survive, make my time.
V IS ALL ALONE NOW?!
I am emotionally vulnerable. This is not okay.
Wait, is that V? Or is it Darryl from the Walking Dead…
He slams his head against the mirror and sighs and I am now booking tickets to Korea to hug V despite that this is A) a music video, B) from four years ago, C) that even if it were real I wouldn’t be able to find V and finally D) I don’t have a passport.
Oh fuck, not sad J-Hope. Look at his lines. Look at the lines of his body. A work of art to that level can’t be sad without breaking me. It’s not… it’s not right. It’s not fair.
I am not okay.
I’m begging you not to do this to me…
OH GOD, GUYS. IT’S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. BE PREPARED. NOT THAT YOU CAN. GIRD LOINS. BATTEN DOWN HATCHES. FIGHT ILLIDAN ONCE OR TWICE.
Liquid moving infinity J-Hope.
Look at the lines. Look at them…
This must be Suga. (Shooting Guard, remember?)
This is three hundred percent absurd…
But it is Suga. And at this point I understand that we’re going to get each of the boys doing something with sad overtones and incredible lighting and I need to take another break.
Except I didn’t. So instead I got Jimin wrapping his hands. (Process of elimination and at this point in their image Jimin was the fit one instead of Kookie being the muscle pig he’s called later…)
I’m not a huge fan of boxing, personally, but the aesthetics of wrapping hands I appreciate.
Like, a lot. Like I appreciate the aesthetics of boxing. Like. A lot. Boxing. What?
I just… need to sit a spell.
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Pray for me…
Wait, that was all the Jin? Was the original Jin scene too emotional for audiences? Is Suga tossing his basketball the better option?
I NEED TO KNOW.
I am going to lie awake wondering about the Jin scene that never was…
I am going to–
Why does it sound like the intro to a Michael Jackson video?
And feel like the intro to Janet Jackson’s scream.
But whatever, because we’re out of the woods. Twenty some odd screenshots in and the boys aren’t sad anymore.
Not my fave Suga hair.
Still loving RM’s though.
NO! he’s only seventeen. Don’t do this to me…
OH fuck, this is going to be another video where I can’t capture the choreography…
It just keeps getting all blurry and I’m trying to fix it but it’s just… not.
Like, I can still see Jimin’s arms, but the rest is pixelated as fuck.
I should probably not be doing this at work on my break…
But I refuse to stop because of babyface Jimin.
and *swallows tongue*
Mid-jump is officially my favorite place to pause.
Okay. V is wearing a snapback, suit coat (with leather sleeves and lapels?) and a basketball jersey all paired with his alien angel smoosh baby face. I just. I just.
And then they cut back to J-Hope. And if you remember from the second post in this series, I am personally weak against J-Hope’s face when he dances. The level of concentration, emotion, and concentrated emotion displayed is just.
It’s poetry. J-Hope’s dancing is poetry.
I am affected by it.
So after the sailor hat and then this, I’m forced to believe Suga literally pissed in their stylist’s cheerios.
I mean, he’s wearing the eye of fucking Odin around his fucking neck…
Oh god, RM looks even better from behind. Proving the saying “I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave.”
I honestly forgot there were going to be lyrics so I startled a little when they began.
That hair, though.
I fucked up a really great grab of Jimin’s arms to go back for that hair. And this is what I got instead.
It’s blurry. But I just realized everyone except Jin and Jungkook are wearing the same shirt. And thick gold chains. I am so over the chains.
This video, y’all. (The woman from Alabama is behind me talking to the woman from Oklahoma and the y’alls are coming fast and furious.)
The choreography is amazeballs.
And I can’t capture it so here’s RM squinting.
Spoiler alert, unless something changes in the next three and a half minutes, RM is going to be my bias.
But that’s an eternity in a BTS video, so…
JUMPING JUNGKOOK! Is that Edgar Allen Poe on that poster?
(I make myself giggle.)
You guys have to watch the choreo…
…am so weak…
…to these boys.
And, side note, RM looks possessed.
Still my bias.
Even though the golden maknae is too cute for words.
And Suga is… Suga. Just. Suga.
*blinks* *opens mouth to comment*
No. Nope. Not going there.
Back to my previous thought that Jin was too much for the sad intro. Look at the collar bones. Look at them.
He’s just so…
Ignore the chain and look at the hands.
Or for your sanity ignore the hands and focus on the absurd chain.
Kim Seokjin. Inserting soft moments into intense raps since 1992.
(Holy shit, they’re all babies.)
It’s so much.
All at once.
With biceps like that, no one needs to ask Jimin if he lifts.
Well… that outfit certainly is…
Great. It’s just…
Which was not what I was going for her, but sometimes the universe provides.
I’m a … slave, for you.
Jimin stepping into his punch. And it’s important not just because it’s a great shot but also because earlier when Jimin was boxing there was a shot where someone noisily stepped into a puddle that was not Jimin. I suspect it was Jin and his too much ness.
I went back to grab a grab of the leg.
See, long pants.
Shoulder rolls. Which I love.
And to whoever put Jimin in the sleeveless shirt and vest.
Can I just get an entire video of him and the punching bag?
Wait… no. Jimin with punching bag while J-Hope dances and RM writes with the pompadour and Suga gets his hair straightened out off camera…
Nothing good can come from this.
I am not prepared for this.
And there was a Jimin body roll, but I couldn’t pause to get the shot because I was too worried about what would happen here. With Jin. And the lighter.
Which turned out to be nothing. (Yet.) Instead, we get V rubbing his neck and J-Hope looking predatory and hot as hell.
Let me just say it’s a good thing I’m married so I don’t have to put actual thought into which one I would pick IF I met them and IF they all wanted me.
Which would obviously happen if I was single.
Because I’m a goddamn delight.
But I’m happily married to a wonderful man so I don’t have to worry about it and can just enjoy the pretty in peace.
When it’s not assaulting me with it’s lighting, anyway…
BUT WHAT DID HE SET ON FIRE?
IS IT ALL THE STUFF HE GOT FROM THE GIRL IN THE BOY IN LUV VIDEO?
THE ONE HE TOSSED AROUND.
BECAUSE SHE PROBABLY HAD A GOOD REASON TO LEAVE YOU IF THAT’S HOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP STARTED.
(Also, future BTS videos will include Fire and Dope. Just wanted to point that out because I sure as fuck giggled here.)
HE NEEDS A HUG! AND A HAIR DRYER! Let me smother him with maternal affection.
I had to get this cap as it was changing focus from the fire to Jin. For all of us. And our sanity.
Well, this is me.
They’re dancing in front of fire, kids. I don’t have any defense against that. So I’m going home.
I’M BACK! (not really, because I couldn’t leave. I’m weak.)
I don’t understand the “STAMPD” on the hat…
And I just remembered I don’t care. Because it’s V. And one weird phrase is not what they put Suga or Jimin in. Or Jin’s knobby knees. (They’re enchanting, though, aren’t they?)
So while V is not noted as the best dancer or singer in the group (I’d argue, but it’s the internet so why even bother) and he’s certainly not the best rapper… he brings a level of enthusiasm and ferocity to everything he does that is unparalleled.
It’s what I love most about him.
(For clarity, my favorite member of BTS is whichever is in front of me at the moment. They’re a perfect ensemble because they each have their own strengths and weaknesses making it impossible to pick one.)
Also, Jin is wearing a sleeveless outfit now.
OH MY GOD, JUST KISS ALREADY.
Here’s a perfect example of what I mean about favorites. I can spend 30 minutes extolling the virtues of V and then it cuts to this shot of J-Hope and I shout “THIS IS WHY HE’S MY FAVORITE.”
I don’t even bother to fight or question it at this point.
Of course, there’s also water. Why not have dramatic lighting, fire, and water in a dance sequence?
Oh shit, it’s J-Hope’s part.
Stay strong, Gin. Stay strong.
Even in the face of infinite J-Hopes.
You can do it. Under two minutes left.
(I’m not going to make it.)
I just need to not…
See, the thing is…
I WOULDN’T LEAVE YOU ON READ.
Yeah, that’s what I was trying to avoid.
(This is where I had to break for various reasons. Fucked up reasons. “Why is life conspiring against me?” reasons. So I’m just going to rewatch up until the three-minute mark.)
(It was a mistake. If I thought it was dangerous in small doses it’s even worse all at once. See, when you pause every second or two you don’t get the impact from the music. THE MUSIC. It, uh… it increases the, uh… V IS WET AND LEANING AGAINST A WALL.)
He is just… so fucking pretty.
Like, just all the time… pretty.
I was trying to get a cap of another shot of J-Hope against the mirror looking upset, but instead, I got this one and I can’t go back. I can’t. Because look. Look at V’s face. He’s just so adorable. My alien angel smoosh baby.
I’m still not feeling it. I mean, I love you Suga but this was not your best look.
Listen… you get the point. Suga is fuckhot and this look does not adequately represent that.
But it’s what we’ve got, so let’s get back to it.
No. Stop trying to sell me on this look. I refuse to become a fan.
Yeah, sure. Slap me in the face with the pretty boy. It’s fine. As long as it’s not trying to sell me on…
Popped collar on a leather jacket.
Yes, Jungkook, exactly. Stop, I’m not comfortable with the progress you’re making re me liking this look.
I can’t even be afflicted (that is the right word) by Jin being adorbs right now, I’m so mad at myself.
Listen, RM, I’ve used up my allotment of caps lock for a post. So instead know that just. Done. With your shit. Really? Tattooing yourself?
Wait. That is not how new tattoos look. Was that just a normal pen?
Still not feeling the crocodile shirt.
J-Hope and Jungkook, though. And obviously the pompadour.
I am digging the intensity of that expression, though.
NOT THE PIANO!
(I borrowed from next week’s allotment of caps lock.)
And he is… seventeen. So let’s forget I ever stopped here.
Oh, sweet cheese and crackers.
There is almost a minute left.
A minute full of shoulder rolls and Jimin’s biceps and J-Hope looking like he’s stalking his prey.
Yes, exactly. That is precisely how I feel.
Oh, come on. RM silhouetted? At the eleventh hour? Why? Are you trying to kill me?
My favorite of all V’s looks. Confirmed.
And that boy is always sticking out his tongue.
This is… hard for me to handle.
Woah, Kookie, I mean I know I’m a little off balance from all that dancing J-Hope but there’s no need to throw a piano.
This kid! Goes from sex god (Ginny, seventeen…) from buff dood to baby face and back to buff dood so in seconds.
Yeah, knew that was coming.
I mean, they all get their outro moments, but this is the one that’ll stick with me.
No, wait. This one. (And fuck you, ads.)
Wait, no. This one.
It was the hair. I was right the first time.
One last pose and we’re done. We made it. V’s hair didn’t… but we did.
TO THE RECAP!
Danger by BTS
Released: August 18, 2014
Album: Dark & Wild
Notes: you’re never prepared for this
Watched Status: Previously unwatched
Bias: Wet V
Reason: Listen, the pompadour is neat. J-Hope is fly as fuck. But V is just otherworldly here.
Favorite video to date: Danger. I got to use the word pompadour. Repeatedly.
Join me next week when we make war on hormones. Wait… that’s really the song?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to rejoin my husband at my inlaws house. The one with questionable electricity and a bathroom that desperately needs updating. So instead of my usual spiel about supporting me on Patreon or buying me a ko-fi, consider supporting my GoFundMe.