My husband is officially an orphan. But as my daughter says, at least he’s a grown-up so he doesn’t have to go to an orphanage.
Which, you know, makes sense. Since it was in 2014 and the eldest hyung was only 21…
But I digress (to avoid going to hell)… Let’s put our helmets on. Let’s go to war.
WAIT! I NEED WINE
(I’m finishing the bottle from No More Dream. That’s how rough the past few weeks have been, I’ve been teetotaling.)
Okay, back to the boys.
One more second.
This is five minutes long. Place your bets now on if I survive with my sanity intact.
It’s Yogg all over again.
And we start with Suga.
(FYI, every time I upload an image I see this and feel attacked)
Wait, we don’t see who shot the basket? We just get epic lips RM? In a suit. Sporting mascara. I’m going to focus on that basket so I don’t lose it already.
Oh, fuck you. Let’s say my sanity started at 100. After that move, it’s down to 98…
…92, final offer…
Oh great, it’s all black and white and red. That’s gonna help my sanity.
Now it’s 90.
Perky J-Hope and Jungkook surrounding RM still looking predatory… so this is…
82. The music hasn’t started.
I’m going to wipe my whole raid…
Jimin in suspenders. (And red pants that you can’t see.) V with a lollipop. Playful RM.
I’m not losing any sanity in this still, I’m just here appreciating Jimin’s outfit. I really fucking dig the…
Oh, I just noticed J-Hope.
Eye smiles Jimin getting a rush hug from Jin… I just… And Suga and V… With RM still looking like a total badass.
Oh, those expressions…
Well, someone just turned my anxiety up to eleven. Nothing ever ends well when there is a lady in a BTS video.
(Although… tentatively the expressions are amazing.)
Fan theory one: they had to cut Jungkook out of this shot because he’s so awkward. And shy. (He’s also adorable, but…)
Okay, we’ve been over this. Following a woman with your boys goes beyond creepy into dangerous.
Even with good lighting. You can’t just–
The fuck are those lyrics, RM?
Don’t try to be cute with that text still up on the screen. I’m watching you.
No fair featuring Jungkook like this, by the way. It’s like a puppy and a kitten in a sweater.
Also, love the lighting.
And yet still… I’m watching you.
…totally keeping a close eye on you.
Seriously, put a puppy in a sweater and this is what you get.
(and I’m turning off the captions for my sanity)
Yeah, that’s… huh?
60. That’s what that is.
So. Jin’s face was proven to be scientifically perfect. It fits the golden ratio and plastic surgeons everywhere weep over him.
Fucking hell Jungkook is so fucking pretty.
It’s how smooshy he is, I suspect.
Oh, and 58.
They’re still following the (clearly unimpressed) women. Suga and Jin are shook. V is dutifully trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop.
Fan theory two: V doesn’t lose his cool over women. Because he’s an alien angel smoosh baby and such concerns are beneath him.
…I just noticed all the BTS shit all over the place.
I just gasped before shouting “WHAT THE FUCK, V?!” and then looking down on the ground.
I probably should’ve had less wine…
(he threw down the lollipop, in case it wasn’t clear)
What are numbers?
We don’t deserve V.
Listen, I don’t judge you for your sanity reducing imagery.
So I’ll thank you not to judge mine.
Oh, hip rolls. That’s.
I know this was supposed to lose me sanity, but really I laughed so hard I snorted.
They’re rubbing their own butts.
Yeah, I’m shocked too.
He recovered faster than I did. FYI.
Is that… money on his hat?
Well, he hasn’t made up with his Stylist yet.
Adorable as fuck anyway, though.
Like, I can’t even care that he is wearing nonsense because he’s too goddamn pretty. Add in the lighting and Jimin’s ass which I am now hyper-aware of thanks to V slapping it and you’ve got a solid screenshot.
Okay, now I see why they call Jungkook a muscle pig. Also, can someone explain V?
(That’s rhetorical. No one can explain alien angel smoosh babies. They defy explanation because they’re too good for us.)
Oh, the woman was inside the store so they were all acting shifty on the steps.
I adore the jump back “bitch does it look like I want to be the heroine in a horror film” moment here.
Hey, J-Hope, your toxic masculinity is showing.
(I’m going to have to watch it with subtitles…)
…are those bicycles that look like motorcycles?
I don’t… I don’t remember where I was. But it’s a lower number now.
(24. It’s 24 now.)
If they’re not using V as their secret weapon, they’re not using him right.
(They are, and I’m here for it.)
Told you there was a horror movie incoming.
Turns out the horror was low lighting and switching camera angles. And more ass-rubbing.
But at least they’re not stalking that poor woman anymore.
I should know better by now.
I mean, I concur. He was the least creepy the entire video. But this isn’t a lesser of two evils situation. We’re not picking a president here.
Jimin and V’s mutual shock is almost worth it, though.
And then they all “dance” around. And even in quotes, I use that term loosely.
And we’re done. We made it. With our sanity not dropping below twenty. I’m proud of us. The royal us, I guess.
Which does not really make me seem all that sane, but whatever. Onto the recap.
War of Hormone by BTS
Released: October 21, 2014
Album: Dark And Wild
Notes: the second song of their first full-length album
Watched Status: Previously unwatched
Reason: I should just give up on anyone other than V.
Favorite video to date: Danger. There was no creeping on poor innocent women.
Join me next week when we watch Danger. This time in Japanese. Holy fuck.