It is Saturday (actually Wednesday). I am drinking Naked Grape Moscato and eating mac and cheese from a box (my ravioli got vetoed by the child). Overwatch is on. We’re freaking out over probate because we couldn’t get my MIL’s insurance signed and deposited before my FIL passed and my MIL was the only beneficiary on his policies and…

…and we’re in danger. In Japan.

Or whatever.

Oh, and last time we watched War on Hormone.

Now we’re in danger. I’m so freaking excited.

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So the Japanese vids don’t have the BigHit logo (still) and so whistling started before the video loaded and I wiggled and whined for a good seven seconds…

Until I could pause and rewind.

To get this.

THIS IS NOT HOW WE TREAT ALBUMS IN THIS HOUSE, YOUNG MAN.

Wait, who’s the guy in the plaid? Is it time for an elaborate backstory? I THINK IT IS. Let’s watch more so I can come up with something clever.

…what? I was working on something? Are you sure? Because V has his phone against his mouth, is wearing eyeliner and leather pants, and has an accessory RM…

I’m seriously in danger of getting him a shirt made that says “ALIEN ANGEL SMOOSH BABY”

WHY DOES HE LOOK SAD? Who hurt you, V? Who hurt you…

(it was probably the guy in the plaid. See? I can multitask.)

Fuck me.

Even without getting closer, I know this is gonna be bad.

Well, at least Suga still has absurd hair. If he didn’t, I’d be giving up right now.

(That’s a lie, but allow me to pretend I have dignity.)

Whoever designed RM’s aesthetic just deserves all my love and eternal devotion. He’s consistently both fuck-hot and endearing. It’s just. It’s amazing.

J-Hope’s dancing face. I’m serious. He’s serious. You need to watch him closely in every video.

He’s just stunning when he performs.

See what I mean about RM?

Oh, and side note: When you join the ARMY, whatever your bias was, it slowly morphs until it’s all. (Or rapidly. It might be rapidly.) All members become your fave. Once that happens, you become able to have a running commentary on each and every member as they come up on the screen.

It’s like Owl from Winnie the Pooh transcends to Super Saiyan God Mode.

Enjoy that nightmare.

Jin’s aesthetic is “handsome”

I’m down with it. I mean, it also pisses me off because I feel like it limits him because he’s more than just a visual… but he’s fucking handsome, so ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I know, I can’t believe me either…

(I was trying to get the picture of him with the black side bangs and eyeliner, but this was better.)

There’s my bunny.

Okay, guys, I’m going to tell you a secret. Usually, when you pause a music video it’s just a blurry motion. Occasionally it’s an amazing screenshot. And if you’re very lucky it’s as the members of the KPop band you follow fanatically are in the middle of changing expressions and all look drunk.

And that’s just… that’s just the best thing to ever happen.

Jesus fuck, even bad shots of Jin are good. He’s just got a mathematically perfect face.

Also, more focus on Jimin, please. Look at him over there all out of focus and just killing it.

See? Jin knows what’s up…

Maybe plaid shirt is playing terrible music. Maybe the woman from War on Hormone hasn’t called him back. I don’t know, but I’m dying to.

It’s almost insulting.

The lighting on soft V makes him look like fanart. It’s captivating

Blurry, but check that bicep.

FINALLY! A Good Jimin Cap. I mean, everyone else has that drunk in between face, but Jimin looks focused and serious and just… intense.

I’m loving the gold wristband.

Wait…

What is Jimin wearing…

No. I’m settling on No.

I mean RM in the turtleneck, fine… Suga is… basically hopeless with that hair anyway. But Jimin with the flowing white shirt. Just… no.

I will not tolerate this nonsense.

Arms are funny, aren’t they? Flexed a bicep can be the size of a ham and then at another angle while not flexed an arm can look like a chicken wing.

Softly lit J-Hope.

Is that what Suga looks like at underground events?

Wait, don’t tell me.

I’m undecided on V’s alternate outfit.

I know I’ve said it before, but I really do wish V got more credit. He might not be the best dancer or the best singer or the best rapper but the… this is verbatim what I said before, isn’t it? The intensity. The aesthetic. Someone, please give more attention and love to my alien angel smoosh baby.

Fine. This is what happens when I drink half a bottle of wine.

This and the wine takes way better than it did at the start.

I want to touch his hair to understand it’s texture.

(Another way you can tell I’ve had too much. I want to touch a stranger.)

Pants off dance off?

I’m starting to think the person who told me of pants off dance offs was lying…

My limited Catholocism kicks in at weird times. Like right now. When I feel the need to go to confession. Who wants to drive my buzzed ass?

Wait! V might still take his pants off.

(I already have to go to confession anyway, might as well earn those hail marys)

Wait… are we not even halfway through the video?

Okay so point a… V is back on his phone and I don’t trust it.

As for b… that clearly wasn’t him I suggested might throw down sans pants. So who was it? Please don’t say Jungkook.

V fighting!

Once again, soft V looking like fanart.

I one hundred percent believe that’s what RM looks like at underground rap battles.

Pretty lighting.

Like, astounding lighting.

Just the best fucking lighting.

Okay, so it might have been J-Hope I assumed would take his pants off.

I stand by that assumption.

…lighting…

Now that is what I believe Suga looks like at an underground event.

Wait… was the guy in the plaid shirt just plaid shirt guy from the beginning?

Huh…

Aww, they hug it out.

While still wearing pants.

(I REFUSE TO GET A PICTURE OF THE GOLF SHIRT. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT, YOU’LL HAVE TO WATCH IT YOURSELF.)

Besides, we’ve got more amazing lighting to consume with our eyeholes.

feast

your

eyes

on

this.

Also, spoiler… the person in the sweatshirt is NOT the woman.

V has finally given up on being lonely in the hallway.

Returning to the tender embrace of his bros. Including Jin wearing a “makin money” shirt and J-Hope in “HIGH CLASS VIP EXCLUSIVE”

Was trying to get V hugging it out, but I’ll settle for this instead.

…well then.

Please don’t throw a Jimin solo at me at this late hour.

Oh good, just more intensi-V.

more fun with lighting.

Wait… are they gonna let V rap?

Holy shit.

oh come on… it can’t be that bad.

And look how happy it makes him.

So many pretty pretties…

Huh… no woman.

That’s weird.

There’s usually some sort of resolution with these things. Though I suppose living your life despite disappointment is a resolution.

Lesson learned.

Thanks, BTS.

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Danger (Japanese Version) by BTS
Released: November 9, 2014
Album: Wake Up
Length: 4:12
Notes: my hand itches
Watched Status: Previously unwatched
Bias: V
Reason: I should just give up on anyone other than V.
Favorite video to date: Danger. The Korean Version. Or this one. I don’t know…

Join me next tomorrow when we have our very third special edition…

…wait…

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